The holidays approach and suddenly our monotonous world becomes illuminated and sparkly again.
The bustle of decorating and gift giving creates a spirit of wonder as we look forward to spending more time with our loved ones. But for as many people that enjoy this time of year, there is an equal amount of those who struggle.
Maybe the holidays reopen a familiar pang of grief from a lost loved one. Others struggle with the impending gatherings that take place. How will I get through another holiday with people asking me “when are you having a baby?” or “still single?”. Questions like these are anxiety inducing and truly suck the meaning out of “all is calm…all is bright!”.
Maybe you have to psyche yourself up for a gathering where it is truly painful to be in the midst of your family. Ridicule and judgement have become commonplace back home, and you’ve yet to figure out how to be around people that hurt you. Maybe each year you tell yourself that things will be different and everyone will get along- only to find that your expectations fall short, and healing is stifled a bit.
Of course, there is no quick fix for some of these matters. That doesn’t mean you have to accept the fate of another difficult visit home for the holidays. Some families have become so comfortable in their negative interactions, that they actually don’t know any other way of relating!
But here is the kicker- it starts with you.
I see a lot of clients that take it upon themselves to change either FOR their families, or work overtime trying to change those around them. And that’s not what I’m talking about here.
This holiday season, your job is simple and clear cut. Take a look:
Cultivate the healthy relationships in your life.
Maybe you have a few people that you relate well to, or maybe it’s just one person. Whatever the case, feed these connections with your energy. Don’t underestimate the power and healing effect of human attachment. It can be a real temptation to withdraw from people when you are hurt, but don’t fall into this trap. Lean into the people you trust and attempt to let their love in.
Learn to say no.
Families have a funny way of autocorrecting to whatever pattern they have developed over time. This could mean one person gets picked on more than others, or the same two people get into the same fight every time they are together. While this interaction is negative, it’s also very familiar. This is what makes it so easy to stay stuck in “old ways”.
I challenge you to be bold enough to remove yourself from these patterns. It is not your responsibility to remove others from it, but changing your role will shift the whole dynamic. Saying no to your part in old cycles is empowering and keeps you accountable.
Abide by your boundaries.
If there ever was a buzzword these days, I think boundaries would be it. Setting boundaries is basically taking care of yourself. This could be very simple for you, like removing yourself from a conversation that you see winding up for an explosion. Maybe it means leaving the gathering before the alcohol has begun to change everyone’s cheery tune.
Take some time to consider what your own triggers are and how they get sparked. When a trigger has been identified, then you can begin making a boundary around it. With that said, it is mighty important to work through these triggers and wounds in a therapeutic setting. Some wounds carry a long and deep sting, and working through them in a protected space is a powerful start to healing.
Be tactfully honest.
An important saying I live by is this: “Honesty without tact is cruelty”.
It’s important to live by this mantra and to also expect it from others. Use your voice to stand up for yourself but do it with grace and the understanding that hurt people hurt people. Learning to embrace one’s voice can be a difficult road but over time you send others the message that you care enough about yourself to be truthful. If you want to be heard, then model the respect you desire and say it with tact.
It can be scary to challenge your long standing role in your family. Old habits die hard, but that doesn’t mean it’s hopeless. Remember to gain support from others that build you up, and as the well known saying goes “nothing worth having comes easy”.