“That’s not what you told your mom about me…
“You told your best friend that I was bad in bed!?”
“I don’t understand why you get so ticked that I talk to my friends about our issues. It’s not like I can talk to you about them!”
“I just needed to let off some steam.”
“You told our son that I was being a crazy b****!”
“Whatever. I just told them about that one argument we had.”
When a couple faces crisis and ends up in the office of a therapist such as myself, I often begin the process by tuning into what’s left, if anything, of positivity in the relationship. When couples are at their breaking point, there is often little or no respect or understanding left between them.
Does it surprise you to know that this dynamic is actually preventable? And that there are things you can do, early on in your relationship, to negativity-proof your relationship later on? Couples don’t often realize the power they hold in maintaining respect and health in their relationship. Today, I want to share one simple yet powerful tool for you to consider- and here’s the thing- it’s really not rocket science. But it must be done consistently and in public.
Speak highly, positively, and respectfully about your partner to the outside world.
One of the most common patterns I see in couples who are struggling in their relationship is the challenge of not pulling third parties and external sources into their issues. Partners lose the ability to talk to their mate, so they turn to outside sources (be it a family member, coworker, friend, or other person of the opposite sex) for relief. This leads to long term issues with trust, respect, communication, and the ability to work problems out with one another.
Have you ever heard coworkers, friends, or family members speak poorly of their mate? Putting them down, making fun of them, or making low blows that obviously allude to bigger underlying issues?
This is one of the most insidious and unhealthy things you can do in a relationship. Talking negatively about your partner actually increases the likelihood of you continuing to see them in that regard, even if they make healthy or positive changes.
So, do you hold your partner in a high regard to others?
Do you frame them in a positive light to the outside world, or is your commentary about him/her more critical, complainant, and comparative to others?
If your partner heard how you talk about them to others, how would they feel?
When you choose to respect your partner even when they don’t see or hear you- especially when they don’t see or hear you- you are bringing a fresh, healthy, and respectful approach to how you relate to them in your world.
Wouldn’t you hope for the same in return?
So, get public! Share with the world what you appreciate, love, and are proud of about your partner. And by the way, this is NOT “being fake”. If there really are problems that exist in your relationship, it is a relationship 101 not to involve other parties who may be biased and to seek professional help. Do the healthy thing and do right by your relationship to carefully filter who you allow into your relationship issues.
Speak highly, positively, and respectfully about your partner to the outside world.
Are you experiencing relationship issues? Snag a FREE copy of my relationship e-book: The Five Relationship Mistakes You Are Making, And What To Do About Them!