If you look up the definition of reactivity it will say: “showing a response to a stimulus”. Put this word in a relational context and you will see that it means a lot more than just that.
As therapists, the concept of reactivity is something we come into contact with regularly. We see this all the time in the relationships we encounter, through parenting struggles, and work related issues—just to name a few. When something negative happens, most of us have a knee jerk response designed to quell our anxious fear as quick as possible—to make the threat go away.
The most important thing to recognize about reactivity is that it is a response, and is therefore defensive in nature. It rarely gives you a sense of peace. With my clients, we try to pay very close attention to the feelings and emotions that come up for them when they are in reactive mode—usually, they tell me it’s somewhere in the realm of anger, fear, frustration, or helplessness. These feelings are so natural for us as humans. I experience them regularly, too! They tell us what’s important to us.
Being that this is such a natural response, it can be extremely difficult to stay in your rational brain when you feel threatened. Whats more, if you grew up in a household where reactive emotions were commonplace, then you likely carry this way of coping into your adult life and relationships. The problem can become worse when we place these reactive emotions at the forefront of our actions; We let fear, anxiety, or anger take the wheel, and be the sole dictator of our decision making process.
Now…enter global pandemic. You’re probably seeing and experiencing reactivity left and right—all with a common purpose of just trying to “make this go away”. Well, as we have been made well aware, this is going to be no overnight fix. So I encourage you to ask yourself an empowering question:
What CAN I do about this?
How can I move through this with less anxious grasping, and more mindful behavior?
What this does not mean is ignoring or stuffing your vulnerable feelings away during this crisis. Your fears and anxieties are valid and will most likely continue to be there. But their role in your ability to cope can shift.
So, how can we do this?
Allow your emotions- be open to them and feel them, but don’t let them be in charge of your big decisions.
Transform your fear into an opportunity to reach out and connect with those you love, rather than let it keep you apart. Express these vulnerabilities with those you trust, and bond through this.
Allow your feelings of helplessness to craft your resilience rather than convince you that you need to throw in the towel. Let your sadness provide a space for you to move through this common grief but don’t let it drown you.
This one may be this most important: learn to make meaning out of your suffering. It may feel counterintuitive, but it is also incredibly powerful. To discover a closer look at this process, check out Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl—his discovery of purpose while being a prisoner in a Nazi camp made the difference in his survival.
@dbmartin00
I think of anxiety as a prickly thing- it badgers, it probes, and it convinces you that you aren’t combatting your problems unless you worry about them. I often call this “the lie of anxiety”—it has a voice and it can be LOUD. Take this time to figure out what things amplify your anxious voice, and what things bring you peace. If you really commit to this mindfulness, you will find that these opposing forces have very different tunes. We can do this!
Jacques Philippe is a great spiritual writer that I find much solace in both in times of crisis and in ordinary times. I will end with an excerpt of one of his essays on peace:
“What often happens is that, when we are confronted with painful occurrences, we either rebel, or endure them unwillingly, or resign ourselves to them passively…I won’t content myself with merely enduring, but by a free act of my will; I decide to choose what I have not chosen…Externally it doesn’t change anything about the situation, but interiorly it changes everything”.
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Anne Streett, LMFT Associate, is a therapist at Millennial Life Counseling who helps couples and individuals experiencing heightened anxiety in their life. With a strong focus on couples and parents of young children, Anne is currently offering telehealth (video) sessions to support clients through the current challenges of COVID-19.