So, you’re single.
Whether you want to be, or whether your relationship status stemmed from a toxic or unhealthy breakup, this is your reality right now.
You might be thinking, ‘if I hear one more person say ‘enjoy it!’ Live it up!’ I’m going to explode.
Or, ‘If I hear one more family member ask ‘are you EVER going to get married???’ you may just throw your butterscotch latte all over their face.
In all seriousness, singlehood can be a beautiful and life-giving phase for many, many people. That doesn’t mean it’s how you have to be feeling about it, though.
It’s normal if you find yourself annoyed *af* by the coupled up friends, family, and commercials all around you. Especially during a week like this, where hearts, chocolates, and all the feels of being in a relationship are truly in your face.
Our team here at MLC has put together some heartfelt thoughts for you, dear reader. With a core belief that we are all made to be in relationship, we want to acknowledge the fact that sometimes being single can be hard, especially if you know, more than anything, that you want that for yourself.
Comparison is the thief of…all of the good feels.
It is very common and easy for us to be hard on ourselves when we compare ourselves to others. You don't know if your married or engaged friends are happier than you are because they are in a relationship.
Isn’t it true? We tend to let comparison quickly take us to la la land when we don’t know the full picture. And comparison can often lead us to make brash and unintentional decisions that may not always align with what we really want in life.
“Living in a state of anxiously grasping at the next milestone can drive you crazy and it certainly won’t get you there any faster,” says Anne.
Certainly, when we want something that someone else has (especially something meaningful like a relationship or children), it can be so easy to experience feelings of resentment, frustration, and even anger towards others. It can be hard to turn inward and let yourself feel the pain, heartache, and longing that’s deep inside.
So, what to do?
“Focus on self-compassion,” says Liz. It’s possible to embrace uncertainty and find ways to settle in your current stage of life without letting go of the desires you have. Self-compassion isn’t just the practice of loving yourself, but acknowledging the pain and emotional hardship that you’re experiencing, too. It’s grounding yourself in the fact that you aren’t alone in the frustration of being single; so many others in the world right now are feeling some of the very same things. This isn’t to minimize your experience, but to help you feel connected to a greater experience at large.
When it seems like everyone and everything around us is celebrating the fruits of coupledom, it can be very painful when we are single and our heart is yearning for a partner (I was a long time member of this ‘club’.). Be honest and share your sadness and pain with trusted others. They might not realize how much you’re really hurting.
You don’t have to love it to embrace it.
So sure, while being single may not be your end game, we hope it’s something you can embrace as a means of letting yourself live your best life now- not just when you’re in a relationship.
Intentionally engage in life-giving community. Actively pursue activities that you love with friends who were also single. Some things we love? Going camping, playing volleyball, traveling, or hosting family-style meals and game nights at home. Let yourself have fun living life, rather than waiting for life to begin when you’re in a relationship again.
Anne loves to help her clients feel inspired and motivated during the stage of being single:
Anne Streett, LMFT Associate
“I encourage my clients to revel in the stage they are in and make goals pertinent to their life right now. It’s good to desire a loving relationship, and so in this waiting period I encourage people to be become their best self, prioritize personal growth, and not lose sight of all the other goals they also have that are important to them.”
There can be peace in knowing that you are exactly where you are meant to be in this moment. As we are reminded by singer/songwriter Morgan Harper Nichols’ lyrics, “You are free to have peace without knowing what comes next”.
What we hope the most is for these thoughts to be simple yet significant reminders to let yourself experience the FULL scope of what being single is: certainly some longing and challenging emotions in there, but also a time of intention, self-compassion, and limitless exploration as you cultivate becoming the best version of yourself you can be.