What if you could save your relationship, before you were in it?
Alright, alright. Hear me out, because I promise I’m actually getting to one of the greatest cornerstones of a healthy relationship in our modern age. This is definitely some mindset stuff, and requires a willingness to go deeper before making decisions about yourself or your partner.
I’m going to fast forward for a second.
As a couples therapist, I often talk to people who are months or years INTO their relationship. Some of the impasses and problems I hear about are…
How something their partner does has truly come to bother, frustrate, or offend them and extends into a displaced belief that the partner doesn’t value them enough if they are not willing to change this thing/behavior.
A painful breach of trust has occurred. Many times, come to find, the stage wasn’t properly set to protect the relationship from this type of offense. Other times, it has, and it’s a clear breach of the relationship.
The person or couple proclaim that they simply don’t know how to communicate well with each other.
One person complains that their partner doesn’t show up enough in the relationship, from household tasks and chores to holding emotional space for their partner in the way that they need. The mental load is REAL, my friends. Amiright?
A couple decides that somehow, someway, they just aren’t made for each other and are no longer compatible.
To be honest, I could go on, and on, and on. We will always hit that moment or phase in our committed relationship when the above issues may come to surface, or when your own version of dissatisfaction and disappointment in your partner happens. Truly, when you are in a REAL relationship, these moments happen. They are inevitable.
Oftentimes, it’s the above issues, and other issues like those, that become the weeds in your relationship that eventually completely take over the entire framework. You feel defeated, alone, and wonder what the hell happened to take you from that connected chemistry you once felt to this space where you think “how did we even get together in the first place?”
So, back to my original thought.
A cornerstone of committed relationships today is actually a simple mindset shift; an acknowledgement of the fact that romanticism and idealism would never really want you to know.
“Happily ever after” doesn’t exist in the way that you think.
What if you walked into your relationship anticipating that challenges will come?
Not from a place of anxiety, but from a place of reality.
What if you let yourself enjoy the freedom of natural chemistry with someone new, while appreciating it’s preciousness because you know that this type of chemistry doesn’t last forever?
What if instead of walking into a relationship asking “will he/she like me enough?” or “what if I screw this up…” and questions that are Other focused, you were relating to your partner from a place of personal empowerment; of knowing who you are, what needs you have, and a tender realization that any of those things may change throughout life but you have what it takes to navigate that, too?
What if you experienced your partner as the separate world from you that they are…how differently would you navigate life? How differently would you see them and what would you become curious about?
What if you worked with your partner to identify the base values of your relationship (for me, mine are curiosity, intentionality, and partnership/teamwork).
You see, committed relationships take us much deeper than we could ever anticipate in the beginning. When the newness has simmered and the dopamine has calmed, we are faced with the reality of two normal, human, complicated beings who will continue to grow and change throughout life, if they allow it.
If we could walk into relationships with this acknowledgement of our separateness and a willingness to explore our internal reactions and experiences rather than allow them to dictate our relationship status altogether, we would truly grow.
If we could see that everything that stirs us up about our partner was really a path back to ourselves to learn, grow, and expand, well…I think we would experience fewer breakups and many more breakthroughs.
It’s those very impasses, and sometimes the most painful parts of relationship, that take us to the next level we were destined for.
(A moment of clarification: when I talk about painful experiences leading to breakthroughs, please don’t hear me as being tolerant of abuse, neglect, and those type of unacceptable behaviors.)
If this feels a little over your head, I understand. I don’t think I truly got this concept until I was deeper into my relationship with my husband and was really looking for these kinds of answers. BUT - if something resonates here for you, tune into that part of you.
And, shoot me a comment! I’d love to know your thoughts, and our team of incredible couples therapists are here and ready to serve you as you move to the next level in your life and relationship.
Liz is the founder of Millennial Life Counseling and the host of The Millennial Life Podcast!
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