When we have someone in our lives that we love who has struggled with substance abuse, we can easily take on a caretaker role. But that’s not always our job and it may not be serving our relationship like we think it is.
What do I mean by “not serving our relationship”? The caretaker role could be holding you back from being open, honest, and vulnerable with that person and even with yourself. Caretaker roles within relationships can be holding us back from acknowledging our own feelings and from truly taking care of ourselves. The person who is in recovery absolutely needs attention, help, and assistance. But let’s not forget about YOU.
You need that, too! Being the partner or loved one of someone who is recovering could often lead you to feeling you have to push down your needs, wants, emotions, and so much more.
I’m here to say, you shouldn’t have to live like that!
There are parts of us all that are designed to protect us. Most were created through experiences, and when you have a loved one with substance abuse issues, you have learned many ways to protect yourself that you may not even be aware of yet. See if you can relate to any of these:
There could be a part of you that thinks, “if I remain in control of our lives, they won’t think about, need, or yearn for substances ever again”. This could be protection from the future – if we can control them, we can “heal” them.
Or maybe a part of you that thinks, “I need to walk on eggshells so that I don’t disrupt anything or make them upset”. Possible protection from instability and from sharing your own feelings.
Possibly even a part of you that is angry and wants to scream, “why couldn’t you be clean and sober for me this whole time?”. This could be protection from being vulnerable today as the grieving of the relationship thus far feels heavy.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Fear is a big piece of them all, which is common and absolutely
understandable! You deserve the time and attention to explore how that shows up in your life and if it is still serving you in a productive way.
Recovery is a life-long journey - so start now!
You can love and support someone without feeling fully responsible for someone else’s choices.
Substance abuse recovery is a lifelong journey that can ebb and flow. There are many important aspects such as setting boundaries, maintaining transparency, and so much more. But the one that is often missed is taking care of yourself as the support system. Like the saying goes,
“we can’t pour from an empty glass”.
You deserve the space to process the impact the disease has had on you – and I am here for you!
Meet The Author: Kayla Sammons, LMFT-A here at Millennial Life Counseling!
Kayla is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Associate and comes from a career in the financial sector. Bridging her expertise with money and relationships, Kayla helps couples create healthy and effective ways to talk about the tough topics and come out stronger for it.